20111105

不該的讚美

人與人之間的相處有很多不明文的規範,好讓我們「和睦相處」,有些社會規範已將我們潛移默化到被約束而不覺是約束,只有在特殊情況下,才會意識到有那些規範。昨天,我就有一個這樣的經驗。

我到圖書館還書,在館內見到一個長得極美的女學生,不只是令人眼前一亮的那種,而是美得英文所謂的 breath-taking 那種;不是性感艷麗,而是典雅優美,清麗脫俗,該畫入畫裏,該寫詩讚美。

我真的想走過去對她說我覺得她很美,那是真心真意、毫無非份之想的讚美,只是一種美感的反應,然而,我也同時強烈意識到那樣做是 inappropriate 的,終於打消念頭,因為沒有勇氣打破這個規範。

28 則留言:

  1. If you are still a college student, I bet your response will be totally different. :)

    You are now a professor, so any allegation of harassment/racism/religious discrimination will certainly get you into a deep trouble.

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  2. //Matt 提到...

    //You are now a professor, so any allegation of harassment/racism/*religious discrimination* will certainly get you into a deep trouble.

    Oh, is he already in deep trouble? ;)

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  3. Wong,
    You don't have to say anything to give her a compliment.
    Just stare at her until she notices you and smile at her. (I don't recommend doing it in HK though.) If she walks away quickly, it means your staring is too creepy. (Hehe, joking.)
    --zpdrmn (make-it-worse guru)

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  4. 說得如此漂亮
    還真想看看
    是白人?

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  5. Matt,

    //If you are still a college student, I bet your response will be totally different. :)//

    - I would not have talked to her even if I were still a college student.

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  6. zpdrmn,

    //You don't have to say anything to give her a compliment.Just stare at her until she notices you and smile at her. //

    - I suppose you have tried this yourself before?

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  7. Kimmon,

    //說得如此漂亮
    還真想看看
    是白人?//

    - 是西人,不過不是很白的那種。

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  8. 以她這麼美麗,她一定習慣了旁人對她的讚美。王Sir就算真的走去說了,她也不會覺得太奇怪吧。

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  9. Meshi,

    //以她這麼美麗,她一定習慣了旁人對她的讚美。王Sir就算真的走去說了,她也不會覺得太奇怪吧。//

    - 我當時沒有這麼想。我同意她可能不會奇怪,但應該仍會覺得唐突。

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  10. 同佢講你想姦佢把啦.

    willsin

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  11. willsin,

    想不到你會講出這樣的說話,見到美女而不起色心是可能的,你明白嗎?I feel offended.

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  12. 我覺得這和社會規範無關﹐這只是你心理素質的一種反映。簡單來講﹐你性格較內向﹐或自尊心較強﹐令你不敢搭訕。
    其實﹐如你沒心思想認識她的話﹐隨便走上前有禮貌的讚美她一兩句﹐然後便走人﹐她也不會覺得被冒犯的。
    除非你所說的規範﹐是因為你是已婚人士。在已婚或有戀人的情況下﹐找美女搭訕屬嚴重罪行﹐有機會被伴侶行使宮刑(閃)
    btw,見到美女而不起色心是不科學的(爆)

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  13. /*在已婚或有戀人的情況下﹐找美女搭訕屬嚴重罪行﹐有機會被伴侶行使宮刑*/

    我就是生活在這法律中呀。

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  14. Wong,
    //I suppose you have tried this yourself before? //
    Yes. When I was younger I was too dumb to smile but the girl smiled, so I learned.
    I got stared at for other reasons (like because of my race.) Just smile or smile back. --zpdrmn

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  15. //見到美女而不起色心是可能的//
    I agree. Once my wife and I (both still in college) saw a women (probably a college student) at the entrance of a fast food restaurant on the college strip, while we were inside. She was a natural beauty. My wife and I were attracted. We looked at her and I forgot who (I think it was my wife) said,
    "she is so beautiful." Her beauty (called for no makeup) was a special kind, everything (including her figure) was just in place. Her beauty didn't make me 起色心. Totally forgot to do that. Surely, it didn't make my wife 起色心. LOL. --zpdrmn

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  16. 文少,

    //我覺得這和社會規範無關﹐這只是你心理素質的一種反映。簡單來講﹐你性格較內向﹐或自尊心較強﹐令你不敢搭訕。//

    - 這是一個因素,但我認為教授不應對一個不認識的女學生講那樣的說話,就是社會規範。

    //見到美女而不起色心是不科學的//

    - 文少見到美女而不起色心就是不科學的。

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  17. Yan,

    ///*在已婚或有戀人的情況下﹐找美女搭訕屬嚴重罪行﹐有機會被伴侶行使宮刑*/
    我就是生活在這法律中呀。//

    - 仲係定言律令添呀!

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  18. zpdrmn,

    //Her beauty (called for no makeup) was a special kind, everything (including her figure) was just in place. //

    - That's similar to the experience I described.

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  19. (Off topic)
    Your post reminds me of an interesting play "Oleanna". It is about education, sex and power.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oleanna_%28play%29

    A short clip:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMKpbnvaSBQ

    Audience's response
    http://www.youtube.com/user/oleannabroadway#g/u

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  20. Kimmon,

    //說得如此漂亮
    還真想看看
    是白人?//

    Why did you ask if it was a white person? Why did you think it was relevant?

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  21. From my observation, whether it is inside or outside of academia, telling a stranger he or she is beautiful runs the risk of being seen as a creep. Actually, commenting on any physical characteristics of a stranger could run that risk (like you are talk, petite, etc.)

    However, complementing on how a stranger's is dressed (e.g. nice shoes, I love your coat, beautiful scarf etc.) is perfectly okay and might even be appreciated. I hear that kinds of comments quite often. I think men can use complements like these as pick-up lines and they are considered more appropriate than directly saying that someone is beautiful.

    Perhaps it's because we believe in meritocracy.

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  22. //telling a stranger he or she is beautiful runs the risk of being seen as a creep//
    Even staring and then smile at a stranger in a Western country, like what I said, runs the same risk too. So, I am not suggesting anyone to do it anytime, anywhere he/she sees an opposite sex. Do that to 1 in a 1000 women/men you see may be too much. Also, you have to be someone who isn't that kind of person (a creep or whatever) and doesn't care too much about how people see him/herself. Well, if you are really a creep, that will do too. --zpdrmn

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  23. Zpdrmn,

    I don't think it applies to all "Western" cultures though - I think it's specific to the Anglo-American puritan culture (with a mix of post Women's Right Movement restrain) in the United States.

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  24. Matt,

    //Your post reminds me of an interesting play "Oleanna". It is about education, sex and power.//

    - Thanks. Looks interesting and "scary".

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  25. Lin,

    //From my observation, whether it is inside or outside of academia, telling a stranger he or she is beautiful runs the risk of being seen as a creep. Actually, commenting on any physical characteristics of a stranger could run that risk (like you are talk, petite, etc.)//

    - Agree.

    //However, complementing on how a stranger's is dressed (e.g. nice shoes, I love your coat, beautiful scarf etc.) is perfectly okay and might even be appreciated. I hear that kinds of comments quite often. I think men can use complements like these as pick-up lines and they are considered more appropriate than directly saying that someone is beautiful. //

    - I couldn't help reading between the lines...

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  26. //I couldn't help reading between the lines...//

    And got that I am ugly but well-dressed? Yup, you got it right!

    I do complement people on how they dress quite often. It's a good way to brighten people's day and a great conversation starter with strangers.

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  27. lin,

    Well-dressed, certainly; ugly? I doubt it.

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  28. Lin,
    I over-generalize a lot. So, I won't defend what I said. Hehe. --zpdrmn

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